Perfectionism. It was the nagging voice in the back of my head that whispered I was not enough. It was the treadmill that never got me anywhere, but instead exhausted me and then left me with only the desire to hide.
You see I framed my life trying to fit in a perfect outline. I formed this outline by looking to others for what or who I should be. But, when I did that, I was never truly me and I never truly fit anyone’s perfect mold either because each person had a different version of who the perfect me should be. Living like this was like trying to wear everyone’s prescription glasses at the same time and expecting to see what they saw so clearly. In reality, when you try to wear another person’s lenses, you can’t see at all! It makes you feel dizzy, headachy and sometimes nauseous . Thankfully, I got an invitation to remove all the lenses and SEE MYSELF FOR THE FIRST TIME IN JESUS.
Gradually over time, Jesus began to enter and heal the wounded and confused parts of my story with His truth. I was never meant to fit anyone’s perfect mold of me. The perfect one was and is Jesus. He’s the perfect, and I’m His beautiful mess. He died for me knowing I was a mess. Father created me knowing there would be mess.
Back In Time
I recently read this quote, “If the version of you from five years ago could see you right now, they’d be so proud. Keep going.”
Five years ago I was 25.
At 25, I was depressed and full of anxiety, but no one knew this or at least they didn’t know the extent of it. When I did share some of what I was truly feeling, it would only be little bits of my pain; I was too afraid to expose all of it. Afraid I’d scare the person away. Afraid they’d tell me to read my Bible and prayer harder. While I know those people felt they were being helpful, it caused me to hide harder and that was my choice to do so. I believed the lie that something must be wrong with me because I was reading my Bible . . . I was praying . . . so freaking HARD!!!
Then a new lie started creeping in . . . Maybe I was too much for my Savior. All this lie did was cause me to try and hide from Jesus. And, I believed the lies that I shouldn’t feel depressed or have anxiety. What a religious thought process!
The Beautiful Mess
I was a mess alright and Jesus was and is fully aware of my mess, and He loves ALL OF MY MESS.
Jesus showed me what perfectionism looked like to Him and it was ugly. I was repulsed by it. Then He showed me my mess and it was extraordinary and full of opportunities. I discovered that when I stopped looking to perfectionism in the world and started looking to my perfectly loving King, I received the truth that my mess was and is so beautiful to Him. I realized that my anxiety and depression did not repulse Him and that they were not too much for Him either.
Actually, the anxiety and depression were keys, keys that would lead me to my King and to truths that I could never have imagined:
I wasn’t destined to be perfect. I was designed to be known and loved by my Creator. With this truth, I see myself and others differently. I am able to love myself and others because I know I’m His and am no longer guessing who I should be. Life with Jesus is an adventure full of treasures found in a beautifully imperfect me.
I am good without having to do a single thing.
I am good because of the “I AM” who lives within me.
Jesus is the refiner’s fire. With a beautiful and powerful Savior living within me there was no way I could hide or be hidden from HIM. There was no way those ugly lies could keep taking up space when my heavenly Father was knocking at the door of depression and anxiety waiting to be let in – waiting to wrap me up in His Perfect love.
I remember a vision where I was sitting in my depression – alone. Jesus came to the doorway, knocked and asked if He could come into this place of depression. I lifted my eyes just enough to see His face and in a low voice I said, “. . . if you’d like to.” HE said, “I’d like to.” HE did. HE sat right there in the depression and HE LOVED ME! He didn’t yell at me to get over it or scold me. HE knew my story. He knew my pain and HE knew I longed to be held and in that moment I knew I did not have to be so strong.
I hope my story opens your heart to know that you are so KNOWN and that you are so GOOD! You are a vessel full of treasures. I say this, because this is what Father has shared with me. This is what He sang over me and this is I what I now release to you… sons of righteousness.
I invite you to come sit with me and our Creator.
I invite you to hear the song that Father God is singing over you.
“And you did not receive the “spirit of religious duty,” leading you back into the fear of never being good enough. But you have received the “Spirit of full acceptance,” enfolding you into the family of God. And you will never feel orphaned, for as he rises up within us, our spirits join him in saying the words of tender affection, “Beloved Father!”” – Romans 8:15 TPT
Love & Blessings,