I was married one year ago. Our story is truly one only a Loving, Enduring Father could write!
It began four years ago when I was living in Florida. Soon to be heading to Oklahoma for a job, I signed up on a dating app and started scrolling away. I lied to myself as to why I was signing up on the app, just telling myself “It will be fun and light.” Asking “What’s the worst that could happen?” The truth was I was lonely and miserable.
While on the app this one profile popped up and something about it caught my eye. His name was Robert and he lived in Texas. He had this warmth about him that I couldn’t quite put into words. I sent him a message and for three months we talked non-stop, never meeting in person but just communicating through calls and video chats. At the end of those three months we ended things. I moved to Oklahoma and that was that or so I thought.
THE UNWIRING
In those months leading up to my move to Oklahoma I had discovered Oaks Rising and was in the midst of my freedom journey and becoming a Freedom Coach. During this time my sisters were getting married and all these lonely places were oozing out of me.
I was the oldest of three sisters and everything in me that said I should be first to get married, to have kids, to have a home was being completely unwired. Robert wasn’t the only guy I had tried to pursue in that time but he was most certainly the kindest. I couldn’t admit I was lonely and hurting so I kept looking for any guy who would give me attention. My determination to MAKE MY LOVE STORY HAPPEN was blinding.
THE STRIVING
When I moved to Oklahoma to become a nanny I had no family, but a few friends. I threw myself into my job. I’d work any hours they asked at any time. I dreaded going home because there was no one there. It was my first place to live by myself. At first, living by myself was amazing. I loved getting to do whatever I wanted to do but soon the lonely crept back in. I had received a lot of freedom with food and forgiving myself for the binge eating, not eating, weird cleanses and terrible diets. What I wasn’t dealing with was being lonely and miserable and angry with God.
I’d come home to my empty house and guess what would be there? The dating apps. I’d swipe and swipe and fill my weekends with dates. Some of the guys were nice but what I was discovering was that many of them could only see my outside. In the beginning, being told I was beautiful was awesome but then it started to feel so shallow. I was more than my looks. I was full of treasures, yet the guys I kept drawing in had no idea how to see past my exterior. The truth is … I didn’t know how to either. I didn’t know how to handle the realization that only being seen for my outward appearance wasn’t enough. I had strived so hard for so long to appear to be the perfect outside package.
THE BLINDING DETERMINATION
As my time to step out of my job in Oklahoma was drawing near, I met another counterfeit. I find it hard to write this because I think of that “me” who met him and how “she” so desired to be valued. It still feels so tender. I subconsciously decided I was going to give him everything. I wasn’t going to be lonely anymore. I was determined to make him my person.
With that blinding determination I was missing all of the red flags! I was missing all the things that said he wasn’t my person. I shut down that voice inside of me that said, “This isn’t the one Jesus has for you.”
For the most part I kept him a secret because managing my inner voices was all I could handle. Add in the voices of loved ones who cared for me… NO WAY! I WAS GOING TO MAKE MY LOVE STORY HAPPEN and I was willing to shut down parts of me that made me ME; even if it meant stepping into the victim’s triangle.
The triangle consists of the victim, the bad guy and a rescuer. I was never meant to be rescuing anyone. I was never designed to be seen as a bad guy. My Father (God) did not create me to see anyone, including myself, as a victim. Those weeks with my counterfeit were filled with ME being ignored for days and I allowed it. I chose to throw myself into his time frames and shut down my voice. Not admitting I was lonely, sad and miserable was causing me more pain than I could have imagined. The truth was, he wasn’t the first to treat me this way but it’s what I was familiar with so I thought it was normal.
THE BEAUTIFUL MOMENT
But then….. this beautiful moment happened where the lenses fell off and I heard him for the first time and something clicked in me. I could suddenly see all the red flags and I could SEE that he wasn’t the one my Father had for me. As he told me goodbye I knew I would never see him again. I knew this would be our final goodbye. I chose to turn my focus to seek Father to find all the other doors in me that kept drawing in the same guys. It was so painful sometimes! There were lots of tears, lots of forgiving others but mainly lots of forgiving me! Painful? YES! But it was so worth it.
During this time an amazing man was looking for me. He searched high and low and he found me on Facebook. After weeks of looking for me he sought the Father for two weeks as to when he could message me. In those weeks I was going through some deep, powerful, healing freedom. I had become very vulnerable and reached out to other freedom coaches to support me. I began to talk about my anger with God. I shared how I felt so alone and miserable. I began to let go of my “perfect outside” and allow The FATHER’S LOVE to breathe life back into my insides.
It was most definitely a feeling of shedding away old thought processes and patterns, and awakening to a new ME.
And then one day a little message popped up from Robert.
At first I was taken aback. We hadn’t talked in years but I remembered how kind he was to me and how safe I felt with him. So I messaged him back. You see in those months of talking with Robert, he didn’t just see me as the girl with a pretty face but he saw my heart. Through talking, I realized he had changed so much and so had I. I always believed I needed to be so perfect for Jesus to bring my husband into the picture. Such a lie. I was never going to be perfect. Jesus brought Robert when my heart was ready to receive love that saw past my exterior because I could finally love myself past my own exterior.
MY TRUE LOVE STORY
That was July 2019. Robert and I met in person in October 2019 and I knew I was going to marry him. I didn’t have to force this knowing to come. There was no trying to manipulate God to make him the one I’d marry.
On March 21, 2020 Robert and I said “I do” in a private ceremony. In our time of dating, he never ignored me or asked me to jump through hoops. He was the first guy who really saw me. He was the first one who wasn’t afraid of my strength or my powerful voice but he loved those parts of me and saw that shutting those parts down would be shutting down how Father created me.
This past year of marriage to my amazing husband has been a year full of treasures. I am so grateful that Father kept pursuing me, kept knocking on those doors inside of me that opened places where I longed to be loved. I am so thankful that JESUS rescued me because it was the rescuing I longed for.
I am so proud of ME for choosing to open my eyes to TRUTH and the truth is that lonely, miserable and sad were the keys that brought me to a place of loving ME, inside and out!
With Love & Blessings,
Madison
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