Triangulation Is Not In Your Destiny

Triangle vs. Circle

We were meant to live from a circle not a triangle. Join me as I share with you all that I’ve learned about triangulation and how we can get free from this powerless mindset.

The truth is that our destiny lies within the circle. We have been created to align to our Father in Heaven and to His purposes and plans for us, and that does not include relationship dynamics that are toxic and misaligned. Let’s rise up and break free from the magnetic attraction towards the victim spirit and all that accompanies it. We were meant to be powerful not powerless!

Within the toxic, relational triangle exists the victim, bad guy and rescuer mindsets! We call it triangulation when we choose to live from any one of these three roles within the triangle. The victim spirit is the lead instigator in the triangle and seeks to dominate the lives of others with it’s unhealthy demands and needs. Let’s be aware, as each of these places within the triangle leads to a toxic lifestyle! None are beneficial or healthy, and not one of them is better or worse than the others.

There are times in life where we may find ourselves in any one of these roles for a moment, as there are true circumstances that can come upon us where we are victimized or may need to rescue someone in need. So to be clear, when referring to triangulation, I am speaking more about not staying stuck in a mindset of powerlessness beyond a momentary situation. I am not referring to situations and events where someone may have truly been victimized. If that has been the case then know there is healing and freedom. Nobody has to continue living powerless because of what someone has done to them! We can break free from the triangle and bring Jesus into the center of it all. We were destined to live with Him leading and guiding our decisions, instead of fear directing our steps. We were never meant to live in a crisis state for a lifetime. 

To live free we will need to be aware of and avoid the toxicity that comes from drinking from the cup of triangulation!!! There is no place within the triangle that is powerful! Each role is toxic and dependent upon the others. Codependency is  the theme for the triangle, and this is why it is referred to as triangulation

Victim Aware

We must become keenly aware of how comfortable and accustomed to acting, thinking and feeling like a victim we may have become. Most of us would never admit that we’ve got some victim beliefs or patterns in our lives. But, under close inspection it’s quite easy to realize and detect this destiny robbing mindset!

When we get caught in the victim triangle, it can be a slippery slope that can move us far away from our God given identity, design and destiny!

Waiting for others to come to our rescue, to help us fight off the bad guys, is a red flag that we have partnered with being a victim. Constantly blaming others as the bad guy and uttering the words “he or she made me so angry” is also a tell tale sign of having partnered with this mindset.

The younger we are when we first experience trauma and abuse, the easier it is to become familiar with the mindsets and patterns of triangulated and powerless victimization. Without being aware, we can become entangled in the victim mindset. It can easily become a familiar pattern that we partner with daily. It will take a conscious awareness to awaken these enmeshed belief systems. This is exactly why we must be sober in recognizing the irrelevant one’s plan to counterfeit the very destiny that the Father has planned for us. No matter what we’ve been through we have a Savior who’s set us free!

Victim Beliefs

Some common trappings of the victim mindset are believing that another person is to blame for our situation. We may point the finger to someone being the bad guy or sit around waiting for a rescuer to get us out of a situation. When we feel powerless to change or just simply feel stuck with no way out then it is a major red flag that the toxicity of triangulation has been partnered with – knowingly or unknowingly! And, we certainly don’t want to be naive and think this toxicity is just in other people!!! 

The victim mindset believes that other people are needed to protect them, make them happy and take responsibility for their lives. And the only way they believe they can get people to do this is to try to control and manipulate them. They’ve learned it’s not safe to ask legitimately and directly for what they need, so they approach people and relationships as consumers. They are always looking for other people who have resources of love, happiness, joy, and comfort to offer in a relationship to share with them, because they don’t have any.

A powerless person will consume whatever another person will offer up. Powerless people often blame the messes they make on other people. The reason their life, marriage, child, finances, job, or whatever is the way it is has nothing to do with their own choices.

Powerless Language

Powerless language will reveal victim thinking. Frequent use of victim phrases are hallmarks of a powerless mindset. Beware of the subtle trappings of powerlessness by saying things like:

“I can’t”

 “I have to”

“They made me do it”

“It’s too hard”

“I’m stuck”

“I have no choice”

” I have to _________ (fill in the blank)”

Each of these statements are shouting out, “I feel powerless to take responsibility for my own actions, so I will say that someone or something else is making me do it.”

Powerless people also throw in “I’ll try” or “it’s not my fault” to absolve themselves if they do not come through on a commitment or a promise.

From a very early age, we can naturally learn to shift blame from ourselves to other people. If our parents and other influential people don’t teach us to be powerful and responsible for our choices, we will carry this powerless, responsibility-shifting behavior into adulthood.

We Have Choice

It’s easy to stay entangled with triangulation when raised in a home where there were victims, rescuers and bad guys! But, we don’t have to stay aligned to this dysfunctional, codependent and enmeshed way of relating to others forever. We don’t have to remain compelled to save and fix everyone around us, to be their rescuer or continue to be a victim or bad guy either!

We don’t have to put ourselves in the role of bad guy or bully any longer, just because we weren’t safe growing up or because our family chose this role for us! We can break out of the triangle! 

Which cup do you find yourself drinking from? Which role did you take in your family growing up? See if you can identity yourself and other members of your family to help understand the dynamic better. There is incredible power in learning to take notice of what perspective we hold!!! The truth does set us free, so once we know we can then choose a different way. We can choose to breakaway and live whole and complete as a circle, with Jesus in the center of it all!!!

We can indeed learn to hold others and ourselves UP as capable! 

We get to choose LIFE! 

We can choose to be powerful and choose to see others as Jesus does! 

We can go from victim to responsible!

It is when the trials and tough times come that we really need to press in and change our ways. When we trust the Lord with our pain we will actually be able to allow ourselves to feel the pain. We have permission to acknowledge the hurt we feel and learn how to be present with the Lord in the middle of it. We no longer have to identify with being a victim or feel stuck tolerating abuse ever again! We have already been rescued by the undefeated King of kings. Let’s use our voices powerfully and use our own two feet and walk away from being taken advantage of and mistreated like a doormat.

We don’t have to hide, run away or ask a million “WHY are things the way they are” questions. It would be really beneficial to avoid asking questions like: “Why is this happening to me/us? This question will posture us in victim mentality instead of realizing God is with us no matter how things turn out. In our weakness He will be strong for us.

We are no longer held captive, shackled, muffled or gagged!

So, Rise Up!!!

We get to say NO to conforming to a religious system of rules and bondage.

Who's Rescuing Who

In the triangle of victim, rescuer and bad guy the rescuer loves to step in and save the day!!! When we partner with this role, we can end up taking pride in saving the victim from their distress. We end up joining the victim to find the bad guys who can be blamed for the victim’s circumstances.

To live free we must be aware of taking the role of a rescuer. We must realize when we show up in other people’s stories to try and be the hero for them! The truth is, when we join forces with a victim by picking up an offense for them or blaming another on their behalf, we have entered the triangle!!!

Being a fixer, rescuer or good guy/girl is certainly living life from the toxic triangle! It’s very wise to become more aware and to realize how we can habitually take the role of a rescuer in another’s life, especially since the world around us will reward rescuing behaviours!

Let’s open up our eyes and no longer get our value and worth from being the ever so helpful good guy in everyone else’s life! Let’s catch ourselves from boasting about how often we come to the rescue of those who we ultimately see as victims in need of our help, or those we think need help from the so called bad guys, bullies, destroyers and predators!!!

Being an avid hero rescuer will only keep us trapped in the toxic cycle of triangulation!!! And, it will keep us SEEING others as either in need of rescuing like a victim or as the bad guy/girl to blame! When we see life through the rescuer lens, our preconceived perceptions will be looking for and leading us to put on our superman or superwoman cape!!!

Our King is the one we should be pointing others to instead of ourselves! We must learn how to hold others up as capable! And, we must no longer get our needs met through fostering this kind of dependency on ourselves!!! This behavior invites fear based, enmeshed, codependent relationships instead of powerful, healthy trust bonds!

Self Inspection

Are you ready to take off your victim coat and hero cape?

Are you ready to take a peek at the relational patterns in your life?

Are you ready to get free from powerlessness and rescuing others?

What do you see when you do a self inspection? Soberly take a look at your life. Invite the Lord to search your heart. See if you are taking responsibility for your children’s, spouses or other peoples choices? See if you are more invested in your family members and friends freedom than they are in their own freedom!

There are situations in others lives that will always warrant our help. But, in triangulation we are referring to a “lifestyle of victim and rescuing” patterns! There is a big difference!!!

When we believe we are stuck or that others won’t survive unless we step in and help or rescue them, then we have probably entered the toxic triangle!

When we find ourselves exhausted because of all we are doing to save the world around us, then we must STOP! We must begin to hand everyone and everything over to Jesus! He has been waiting for us to LET GO!!!

Personal Responsibility

Nobody can “make you” feel anything! In fact, living from a place of personal responsibility requires owning all of your own emotions. If YOU feel it, it’s yours. When it comes from within you, it’s totally yours!

It’s an absolute MUST to take responsibility and no longer blame others for how you feel about something, as scripture makes very clear: “For out of your mouth you will speak what is already in your heart.” Matthew 12:34.

Unhealed and unresolved toxic emotions can end up leaking out of you if they don’t get healed and they will surely end up affecting your relationships.

Partnering with a victim mentality emotionally can keep everything revolving around YOU and how you feel. As a result you may never even ask about how others are doing. If it’s always about your woes, ailments and all the bad things that are going on in your world then be sure to hop on out of the victim triangle and break partnership with drawing people in to “rescue” you. As a rescuer it may be the complete opposite. You may never want to look at your own life because you are so preoccupied trying to rescue everyone else!

You are no victim. You are no rescuer. Align to the position that in Christ you are powerful and that He is your strength and what others need as well!!

Self awareness and self inspection are both crucial for healthy living, so become more aware of how emotional stress, fear, grief, sadness, worry, anxiety and anger are affecting you and your body. Underlying suppressed emotions can even cause autoimmune disorders, dizziness, high blood pressure, headaches, skin conditions, allergies, sluggishness, irritation, low energy and so much more.

Take personal responsibility and invite Jesus into these places of emotional trauma to heal and align to His undefeated status. When you invite Him into the pages of your life story things will never be the same again.

New Identity

It’s time to SEE ourselves as worth being loved and valued. It’s time to live from our Royal Identity and break partnership with triangulation in relationships. None of us have to stay where we are or where we’ve been. When we give King Jesus all the pieces of our life, He will put us back together. Let’s make Him the main character of our life story and invite Him to rewrite our pages with the original Words of Destiny spoken over us at the moment of our creation!!!

If we ever identify anyone as a “victim” or “bad guy” in a situation then realize we’ve entered the triangle. Get out quickly by becoming a circle with Jesus in the center of it all. Avoid looking for someone else to be the rescuer and instead Rise Up with Christ as our strength to overcome this limiting victim mindset. We are royalty and have a destiny. We have been set free and we are going to change History, so RISE UP like a warrior!

True Rescuer

Jesus is the only true Savior and we can trust Him with all that belongs to Him, which is all that is in the world!

He is the true rescuer for all mankind! And, He patiently awaits the day we choose to need only Him! He longs for us all to come to Him in our times of pain !!! Let’s hand over this role to our King and Rest in Him. 

Lets not interfere with what the Lord may be doing in another’s life. He may be using their tough situation to draw them to Him! Let’s ask Him what we can do to come alongside Him in this powerful circle of life!!! Even if we are a caregiver for another, we can learn to take care of ourselves. We need Jesus to be the rescuer for us all! When we care for others we need it be from a powerful and healthy place! There is only one who came to save us from our messes!!! His name is Jesus!

It matters most whose voice we listen to when we are feeling down and out and in need of help.

Jesus wants to be the hero in our rescuer story!!!

Will we let Him be?

He wants to take center stage as the Lion of Judah!!!

He wants to ROAR for us if we’ll let Him!!! 

To step into being powerful, we need to begin to inspect ourselves, and how we show up to fight our battles. We need to notice our very own story narrative and what role we most often show up in. Who do we make the victim, rescuer or bad guy in our stories?

We must pay close attention to where God is in our story!!! We must be willing to Rewrite Our Story and give King Jesus the main role alongside us. Will you Invite Him into your story to be your personal rescuer in times of trouble? You can choose this very day to enter into rest and let your King battle for you. Let your undefeated King Jesus carry your soul from death back to life! Lay aside all your idols and vices!!! He is your rescuer story!!!

Whatever happens today, know that when He walks into the room, everything will change!!! In an instant you’ll be different!!! Release the sound of your Freedom in Christ!!! Shout to the rooftops that your King has come!!! Release back to the Father the very sound and vibration of His Love!

Rise Up out of the wilderness and take hold of your Armor. Pick up the sword of the spirit and let the Word set you free!!! Your King has already come and He is undefeated!!! The enemy has been defeated! Death has been conquered, so choose this very day LIFE in every way!!!

Break Free

To break free from the victim mindset just read the following out loud:

“I’m ready to break up with the trappings of living like a victim. I repent for partnering with the triangulation of being stuck like a victim. I declare I am no longer bound and that Jesus has set me free. I forgive all who truly victimized me when I was a child and set me up to be familiar with powerlessness. I repent for positioning anyone else against me moving forward. I repent for holding on to resentment, bitterness and revenge. I repent for waiting for someone else to change in order for me to be ok. I repent for blaming someone else for triggering me and for making anyone else to be at fault for my current circumstances. I repent for not using my own voice and for saying someone else made me feel a certain way. I forgive anyone who did truly victimize me through bullying or abuse in the past. I choose now to let them go so I can be free. I give them to you Jesus. I Choose to be powerful by taking personal responsibility for all of my own emotions, thoughts and actions. I repent for even saying the devil made me do it and admit that this is a victim mindset. I choose to own what comes out of me, and to realize when I react to something that it’s mine to handle. I choose to get to the root of it and deal with the source of triggers in my own life!!! I am ready to break the cycle of a powerless mindset. I repent for manipulating situations in order to feel in control of them. I’m ready to see how I’ve been powerless and take action to change it! I’m ready to change the way I think and to identify the lies I have believed, as well as the influence those lies have had in my life. I am ready to catch the sly little foxes and lies that have become deeply rooted within my mindsets. I renounce the victim mindset. I break partnership with all of it’s self defeating thoughts and emotions. I receive your healing Jesus for all my wounds. I’m ready to have beauty for all my ashes. I choose the refiners fire. I choose the mind of Christ. I choose life”.

Blessings to living powerfully! 

Know that you have all that you need,

Pam VandenBulck

You can participate in a powerful victim mindset renunciation that I did as part of a facebook live 1:11 activation by clicking the link below:

Let’s Stay Connected. Sign up below to receive our weekly blog.

Click below if you’d like to learn more about how you can begin to Rewrite Your Story or schedule a Freedom Session to begin your own freedom journey.