I recall in college, I attended a church a couple times, but I still felt so much shame and unworthiness upon entering the door. At that time in my life, I was making decisions that, at the time, felt like freedom, yet I knew some of these didn’t abide by God’s rule book. I thought the rules were there because God was just this strict being whose ways were almost impossible to live by – no room left for feelings and fun. His ways felt constricting. Looking back, I would tell that younger version of myself that God didn’t want me to miss out on fun and freedom… He knew those things would later leave me feeling anything but happy. He just knows what’s best for my heart.
I didn’t look at Him like an all-loving, gracious Father. I looked at Him from the eyes of a little girl who so desperately just wanted to please her daddy, but would never be able to, due to the slightest wrong move. So why even bother?
A friend of mine encouraged me to keep growing in my faith. I told her I just didn’t feel like I was worthy of entering a church or any religious place since I knew I was currently not living by “the rules”. Her response has replayed in my head many times over the last 15 years, “Not going to church because you aren’t perfect is like waiting to go to the hospital after your broken arm has healed.”
The pieces of guilt were slowly being chiseled away. Yet, there was still a lot buried in stone. Even though I felt more comfortable attending church, I was still very reserved about talking about God or anything I thought sounded religious. I even felt uncomfortable telling people “I’ll pray for you” because I didn’t want them to think I was religious and push them away.
At this point, I had no idea what it was like to really be in relationship with God. I thought everything I did had to follow a perfect system, like folding my hands to pray and using eloquent words. Growing up, I saw religion being used to manipulate and guilt trip people so much that it pushed them away from God, not anywhere closer to Him.
I knew I didn’t want to be part of that kind of system, but I had no idea I was clinging to fear and being religious myself while making those claims.