So Many Thoughts.
When I was a little girl I used to get lost looking at a picture my grandmother had hanging above her breakfast nook. Many of you have probably seen it yourselves…. a painting of what dinner in heaven may look like. There is a long stretched table with fine china and The Father’s hands reaching out as He welcomes us to sit and have our first meal together. I was probably 7 or 8, legs crossed, usually lost in my thoughts. Milk was running down my cheek as I inhaled spoonfuls of cereal; I was trying to hurry so I could move onto the next adventure. I would catch a glimpse of the painting and for a moment I dreamed of one day being at that table, that table that looked so perfectly placed in the sky. What would be served? Who would I be sitting next to? Would we even be hungry in heaven? The thoughts and questions that raced through my mind were many! After all, the imagination of a child is a magical world full of wonder and possibilities.
Growing up is something that happens physically whether we choose it or not but growing up emotionally and spiritually, well, that we can very well choose. Traumas, lies, disappointments and failed expectations are all a part of us. That little child in us who runs freely, who thinks endlessly and loves deeply can be bruised, crushed, or neglected. Pain can lead us to hide, to run, to fear or to suppress love. We all carry our pain differently and manifest it uniquely. I didn’t understand that it was only Jesus who could bring total healing to those places… those places that I may not have even been aware of myself. But I had loving Christian parents… What could I possibly have to compare to the pain of the world? My parents were faithful, loving and devoted, but this did not exempt me from brokenness. Learning to walk with Jesus and who I was in Him was my own journey. I had to figure it out.
The Start of Healing.
My journey to freedom began two years ago after my first Freedom Session. It wrecked me and for the first time I found profound healing from Jesus. I had no idea what I was signing up for or what the call would entail but I knew I needed something to shift in my life. I was too dry for too long. I didn’t know how to have a relationship with Jesus and honestly I was getting restless to the the point where I wanted to walk away from my faith all together. On the first few minutes of my call with my Freedom Coach, I remember saying to her “If God doesn’t show up, I’m done.” After all, I felt, what kind of father doesn’t talk to his children; but those were the lies I believed in that moment. I was at the end. Three sessions later, I’m floored by what has taken place inside of me… the healing and transformation that begins to happen. I could literally write dozens of blogs just on the way Jesus showed up for me. But what I would like to share with you today is one particular session that happened to take place just a few days ago.
After walking through freedom you start to recognize the places you need growth in… “triggers.” Its a word we use often and it’s a word that I used to run from. For me, triggers used to mean I failed; they meant I wasn’t showing up the way I was supposed to and so I needed to hide. Now I know that triggers are places I get to say yes to Jesus… invitations. It had been a while since I had a freedom session. But I found myself feeling stuck in the way I was showing up as to how I handled hurt, particularly in relationships. I knew I wanted to forgive and respond in love but in the moments I would step out, I felt held back. Thoughts began to flood my mind, pride crept in and the choice to love was replaced with resentment.
With the guidance of my freedom coach, I entered straight in to engage with Jesus and invite Him into these places. Through my sanctified imagination I saw Myself as a child playing a board game. I was restless, spinning and spinning the cardboard dial over and over again until I landed on the perfect spot to win and end the game. I needed to know the journey. I needed to know the steps. I couldn’t step out and trust. It was the childlike place inside of me that just wouldn’t step out in faith without knowing. I saw Jesus with me. He offered his hand and wanted me to leave the closet but I couldn’t. I felt like I was going to have a meltdown. I felt unsettled and fearful like I was in the beginning of a tantrum and I knew it was a broken place.
Then I saw myself in what looked like a prison cell. I had hundreds of tally marks on the wall representing all the wrong and all the pain that people had caused. I felt like it was my wall of living proof that I had been hurt and I didn’t want to leave it. Jesus was at the door with keys just waiting for me to step out, but I didn’t want to. My freedom coach led me to ask Jesus how He showed up when He was hurt. I saw Jesus being whipped and beaten. His face resting sideways on a stump as He knelt down on His knees and took the beatings. I began to weep and asked out loud, “Jesus, why did you take this?” He said to me “Because you’re worth it.” The tears began to flood my entire face at this point. I could barely catch my breath. But the broken girl in me still didn’t believe I was worth it. I’m just one out of millions. I was lovingly led by my coach to ask Jesus how He sees me… who am I to Him?
I saw a beautiful image of thousands of perfume bottles all placed on shelves in heaven. Jesus took one of them off the shelf and gently opened the top. It was in a crystal bottle full to the rim with amber colored liquid. He held it under His nose and then out to the open and said “Because there’s no other fragrance like yours. If you didn’t exist, the world would never know your scent.”
Broken again but in the best way, my face puffy from all the tears streaming down my cheeks, my voice heavy and scratchy from the outpouring of emotions, I made my way through the next question. “Jesus what do I smell like?” He said with the biggest, most beautiful smile across His face, “Like Thanksgiving.” I saw a beautiful table much like the table I saw as a little girl in my grandmother’s home. It had no beginning and no end. It was infinite. It was full of food, friends, family… community. I didn’t want to stay in the closet any more! I didn’t want to stay in jail with my wall of unforgiveness. I wanted to sit at the table where I was known, where my fragrance was released, and breathe it all in. Jesus was at that table ready to receive me with love.
I’m okay with the unknown. I’m okay to move from unforgiveness and release those who have hurt me to the Father because, from where I sit, there’s no room or place for any of it. I will sit at my Father’s table and release my fragrance of Thanksgiving because here, at my Father’s table, is where I belong.
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