A little over two years ago I found myself searching for destiny, purpose and joy. I wasn’t showing up in life the way I wanted and I constantly felt like I wasn’t enough. Throw two kids, work, marriage and a restless soul into the mix and you have the perfect layout for defeat. I knew there was more for me. I could feel it in my soul like I was destined for it and I would never be at peace until I found it! Sometime in the spring of 2018, I felt the Lord begin to stir things in my heart for my family, specifically my children. We found ourselves in a new town, a new school district and a tugging at my heart to school my oldest from home. So I jumped head first into what seemed to be a pool with no water!!!! I wasn’t drowning, I was left broken, lost and defeated; but Jesus was going to use this to bring me to His feet, to a total place of surrender and restoration…first in my heart and then in my family!
“The Battle in My Mind”
Most mornings started off with something similar to a freight train coming at me with no intentions to stop! “Mommy….Mom can you make me breakfast? I’m so hungry!” “Mom can I have ice cream?” “Mom…Mom…Mom!” Ugh! Where were my peaceful mornings? Where did the days go where I would gradually wake up to the beat of my own day and not the endless demands of these little people who seem to have taken over every area of my life? When did I become so selfish? My head drops in shame. The mom guilt comes rushing over me and the little bit of energy I had to start my morning is consumed with the endless thoughts of how my day might be if I didn’t have the kids. But I wanted this! I dreamed of it…the perfect family, the perfect meal times, dates with friends at the park and nights filled with laughter at the dinner table. Perfection only seemed to find itself in our Christmas portraits that I caught myself staring at and thinking of the reality of the endless bribes it took to get us all to smile at the same time. My heart was torn! I longed to be the mother, to accomplish the task set before me, but I was broken. No one would ever know. I played the motions well and although sometimes it was genuine, most times I was running on extreme exhaustion and this constant feeling that I just needed my space. Maybe If I just had more time to enjoy my youth or maybe more time to myself in the day… I was losing our connection. Morning care and after care were great alternatives to hide behind the fact that I wasn’t enough. Long school days and summer camp would keep them busy! Just a few more years right? But the world says enjoy them…that I will regret this one day! Why can’t I love them well?
Love was flowing from external fulfillment and satisfaction not from within, but Jesus was going to fix that and He had a master plan. It was a plan I would soon enter into as I discovered who I am in Him and who He is in me. I entered into my first Freedom Session two years ago after literally trying everything I could to find some way to connect with Jesus. It was in Core Freedom that I began hearing, seeing and engaging with Jesus. As I pressed deeper into my journey, Jesus began to shift mindsets, to restore connection. He gave me identity! He gave me purpose!
Change In Action
Jesus has restored so many broken parts in me but the manifestation of those works took time… it took faith… it took choice! I began to rearrange my life and what was most important. I wanted this relationship to flow from a place of genuine love. He was gentle with me even when I was not.
Every layer that was being pulled back was a way deeper into the center of my heart…the place I found my garden.
My Secret Place
"Ever since I was a little girl I’ve been enchanted with the idea of a secret garden. Most of you have probably heard or watched the movie about a little girl and her secret garden. I was mesmerized by the thought of there being my own secret place, a place hidden behind a magical door... a place where I could go to be alone."
My first love… it was there all along, covered by thorns and thistles and I wasn’t sure where I was. I pushed through and there was more death… everything was dead. “Jesus, what is this place?” I asked. Days went by and I left that dry place in a sea of memories. Motherhood called my name.
“Closets Are a Good Hiding Place”
One morning I found myself crying out to Jesus in the deepest part of my house where I knew no one would be. It’s a room full of the evidence of abundance many of us have here in America… my closet. I managed to carve out a little space and there I sat and the tears came pouring out. There I was again in this dry, deserted place where nothing grew. I saw Jesus and He came to me with a watering pail. He pressed gently against my face on the rim of my cheek and He began to collect my tears. He smiled. It brought me warmth and comfort. His eyes told me I was home. He took the pail of tears…my tears…and began to water the flowers that were nothing but dried brown stems and sticks. Life! Life began! Colors began to bloom… green was surrounding me, closing me into the safe place. What is this place? It feels so familiar. I knew where I was, where He had taken me.
“I look at my sweet babes and think… I can begin to love you in freedom, child, because I know that I am loved. I can serve you in authenticity because I know now that I am known. “
In My Secret Place
I couldn’t see it before but I knew now that I was in the garden of my heart…my first love gateway. This is where I go to meet my maker… to dance, to cry, to rest. Jesus sees me and I see Him here. Suddenly I feel a warm tiny body pressing against my leg. I look down and I see a beautiful stream of black hair laid upon my lap. It’s my daughter. Oh sweet girl. I think to myself about how I lost a little girl just before you and here you are…My rainbow baby. “Mommy can I pray with you?” She asks with her sweet 4 year old voice. More tears begin to fall. My son enters and lies beside me as he normally does. Most times I get annoyed because my mind screams productivity, but today we get to rest. We get to sit in His presence and lay it all down at His feet. I look at my sweet babes and think… I can begin to love you in freedom, child, because I know that I am loved. I can serve you in authenticity because I know now that I am known. I can fail and make mistakes because He shows me grace. I can rest in the chaos because I found my secret place.
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