I would make sure I was the first to leave
Fear of abandonment used to be my subconscious default setting. So, basically I would run away from people so they wouldnāt leave me first. Or I would push people away before they could leave me.
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Somehow in this convoluted pattern, it felt less like abandonment if I made the choice to leave, rather than waiting for someone to leave me. Can anyone relate?Ā
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I became hyper-sensitized to anything that remotely smelled of abandonment, and would shun anyone who got a little ātoo closeā to this place of pain with a self-protective āGo away before you leave me.”
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All these behaviors and reactions kept me alone and never connecting on a deep heart level. Even though that connection was and still is what I craved. That connection is also whatās most important in my DNA and in the design of who I am.Ā
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Hurt people hurt people
I did this with all relationships whether it was friendships, romantic relationships, business partnerships… it didnāt really matter what kind of relationship it was, love and connection wasnāt safe and felt like a setup for abandonment.
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So I ran away. Or self sabotaged purposely so the other person would leave. At least I knew why they left and it felt more ok to me.
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I did this over and over and over. And I felt so alone.
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And it never occurred to me that I was hurting people in the process of just trying to protect myself from being hurt.
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Yikes!
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Hurt people hurt people.
Then along came Jesus
And He patiently kept wooing and pursuing me, UNTIL I was able to trust Him enough and allow Him to heal me little by little.
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As I became more aware of this pain pattern, I could see that it was obviously rooted in childhood trauma and abuse.Ā
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As I allowed Him in as my Healer the wounds were healed, the lies I believed were uncovered and He came in as Truth.
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As I started to trust His Love, I could start allowing people into my life and heart at a deeper level. Trust is a process for me and when I look at where I came from Iām elated. And, when I see how far I still have to go, I know Iām safe. I know that if He was faithful to bring me this far then He is clearly capable of taking me where I desire to go.
Love heals and healed people heal people.
Little by little I started realizing that Iām safe regardless of what people do or donāt do. Because, my safety isnāt in someone elseās hands.
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So I donāt have to worry about being hurt.
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Besides I now have the tools to heal and allow myself to feel the pain rather than doing everything in my power to avoid the pain of being abandoned. And, ironically the thought of someone actually leaving me as an adult isnāt as painful as the pattern of running away, self protecting and living as if I was alone.
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So when you see me posting about my amazing friends all the time, itās because itās a MIRACLE and I LOVE my heart connections and deep friendships.
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I went through hell to be able to attract, create and maintain these kinds of relationships. I never want to take them for granted. And, it really is true that momentum builds on itself.
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I truly have a HUGE network of real friends and a support system that I never would have imagined that I could ever experience.
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And, Iām grateful.Ā
Attracting the emotionally unavailable
In romantic relationships, I found it be the most devastating. I attracted emotionally unavailable men who had abandonment issues like me, because āwound matingā is real folks!
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We attract who we ARE not who we want, and like attracts like. If the expectation is that Iām going to be abandoned and not fully chosen, then my beliefs say that “I must attract a man who canāt choose me and who will abandon me” (Unless I leave first 
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Itās the law of polarity. The insane chemistry with this type of unhealthy connection is addictive, destructive and not maintainable.
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I confused this with love. Itās not.Ā
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I would also date men who I didnāt admire, who didnāt spark me or who I wasnāt inspired by… just because they liked me more than I liked them. Somehow this seemed to make them safer, because they might not leave me.Ā
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Goodness!! And now mind you this was ALL SUBCONSCIOUS PROGRAMMING in my brain, mind and heart. Just like a computer program running in the background of my body technology. All the while Iām actually believing Iām in charge of my choices consciously.
Free people, free people
Some of these patterns, mindsets and programs are so deeply rooted and ingrained in us that they feel more familiar than healthy ones. They are entrenched so deeply within our psyche that it’s nearly incomprehensible. We truly don’t know what we don’t know until we know.
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Iām still a work in progress with this, particularly in the area of romance. It still feels risky to truly love and be loved deeply by a man in an epic love partnership, but thatās truly what I desire and the desire is way bigger than the āriskā.
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Iām starting to understand that when I have a pure desire for something it means itās meant for me and that I am able and capable of having that desire fulfilled. So, I can lean back and TRUST that my God is able in this too. And, I can lean back and know that I am the woman who CAN be the match for her desires.
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And, I can be free.Ā
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Free people, free people.
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If youāre still reading, thank you and I love you,
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Marietta Miller
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