As children, so many of us dream of what we’ll be when we grow up. That famous question all adults like to ask us or the papers we find on our desk the first day of school ask “What will the rest of my life look like?” I probably went through a dozen different choices in my head from vet, teacher, doctor but the one that pressed on my heart was I knew I wanted to be a mom.
Every decision I made after that was based around me one day having a family. That moment came as I held my son and the immediate realization that I had no idea what I was doing came as he let out his first Cry. All the broken areas in me would soon surface but motherhood gave me the opportunity to handle them. I struggled deeply with connection as many of you have read in my previous blogs and it was something that the Lord was healing and restoring in me through my freedom journey.
As my son was entering 2nd grade we found ourselves in a new city and school. As I stepped into his classroom I had the most unsettling feeling. Leaving him there, I wanted to cry, which wasn’t an emotion I had felt before. Although all I wanted was to be a mom, I didn’t know how to connect or parent a strong willed 7 year old boy! The days turned into weeks and I continued to feel the call to do something more. I felt the Lord pressing on my heart to homeschool. Home What? I remember thinking. I was the first mom at drop off and the last one at pick up.
I tried to make up for all insecurities by planning fun outings, movie nights and these perfectly thought out ideas but the emptiness was still inside me. Spring break came and after pressing into the Father’s heart, I had a list of pros and cons and a million reasons why, financially and physically, I couldn’t take on this task (I was still a nurse and working nights). So I made the decision to keep him home. I remember his eyes watering with joy when I told him. All he wanted was more of me and it was as if he knew a glimpse of his destiny.
There I was YouTubing all the best curriculums, scrolling through Pinterest, setting up my dream homeschool room and envisioning the perfect children gently playing with toys on the floor as I read beautiful books to them. Well, let’s just say reality fell hard that first week. I had no idea what I was doing as a parent and now as his teacher. On one specific occasion, Daniel was extra restless and I was trying my best to engage him in learning but it just led to more frustration. Amelia, my youngest, was 18 months old and I was beginning to yearn for the days where I had more freedom; Where the day was my own. I grabbed Daniel by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes and yelled “Why won’t you just listen? “ It shamed me to think I would respond in such a way but I had lost sight of what was important, bought into the lies that my child just doesn’t listen to me, that I wasn’t equipped or good enough. We both had tears in our eyes and set off in different directions. After a few minutes Daniel came ready for love, as most kids are, open to receive and forgive. He wrapped his little arms around my waist and cried. His sweet voice piercing my soul, he said softly “Mommy, I’m really trying and I promise I’ll try harder.” That was my breaking point; The moment I knew that I needed to change the way I viewed him, myself…our family.
I cried out to Jesus in the days and weeks to follow. Lord give me your perspective. Give me your eyes. He slowly started opening doors for community, placing the right word, friends, or message. One day as I was calling out to him I asked the Lord to show me how he saw us. What was the point of preparing endless snacks or wiping down the same table for what felt like the 100th time that day? The Lord spoke to me and said “You’re making diamonds.” I dove deeper into what that meant. Diamonds aren’t formed overnight or even years. It takes a mixture of time, pressure and the right elements to produce beauty out of nothing. Jesus and I were making treasures together; A light that would be released into the world to shine for his glory.
Mommas, let me encourage you as a loving friend once spoke over me, “No one is more anointed than you to raise and teach your children…. They were birthed from you and you have a genetic makeup that pulls the strings of their hearts in ways that no one else can.” I hear many moms say “I could never homeschool because my kids just don’t listen to me… “ I get it. I was that mom. No judgment here. I was afraid of my own kids… but that just is not an option anymore. I refuse to listen to that lie and believe that a stranger has more governance over my child than I do. We have the ability to make our corner of the world beautiful, to change the world one generation at a time. We have such a gift to work right alongside our Father raising his children. No task goes unseen; no task is too small. Your screaming toddler could be the next Billy Graham or loving mother who will go on to raise the next generation for His kingdom. Our Savior entered the world through the womb of a mother. He knows our struggles. The beautiful thought of Jesus our Savior inside a mother…Hearing her deepest thoughts, feeling her emotions, being fed and kept warm by her body….He knows us so well. So I encourage you to Push through the hard stuff.
My days are still messy but they are washed clean with grace, love and freedom only through Jesus. We’ve learned how to respect one another and love deeper. Mommas, Show Up, love hard, and rest assured that Holy Spirit will release what you need for the diamonds he’s creating.
Blessings my fellow mommas,
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