A Day I WIll Never Forget
On February 19th, 2020 I tested positive on two pregnancy tests. A day I will never forget! The excitement, disbelief and overwhelming joy that we were having a baby really happened. In the weeks to come, we shared the special news with our close family and friends and the excitement grew, all while experiencing morning sickness, food cravings and feeling like a blood hound that could smell everything.
We had our first appointment with our midwife scheduled at 11 weeks, which felt like such a long wait! I was so excited to be going to the appointment and we were hoping to hear the baby’s heart beat. As my midwife placed the Doppler on my lower stomach, she pressed and searched. No heart beat. She reassured us that it was normal but if we’d like to get an ultrasound we could. We chose not to. We were trying our best to be as non-invasive of this pregnancy as we could. I felt good and I was okay knowing that at our next appointment it would for sure happen.
About two weeks later, we met with our midwife again. I laid on the table as my midwife used the Doppler to search for the heart beat. It felt like the longest minute or so. No heart beat. She stopped and said “Ok, I’ll stop torturing you.” I giggled as if it was normal. It was all new to me so I really didn’t know if I should be concerned. Then she offered us an ultrasound and we agreed to have one. Another search took place and a moment of silence filled the room and out of my midwife’s mouth came “There is no baby.”
Shock and anger filled me. I remember saying “What?!” I just wanted to go home. I felt extreme confusion as I cried in Ryan’s arms. We went home and began one of most grueling grieving processes I’ve ever had to face. A missed miscarriage?! I felt normal and had no signs of miscarriage whatsoever. Like how?! The next six days were really difficult wondering when it would happen and why was my body still moving forward as if it were pregnant.
It was an experience that has forever marked me. I still don’t have answers and that is okay with me. I am still grieving, taking it day by day. I have days where I go through the whole day without feeling sad or angry and I have days where I feel it all, sunup to sundown. Through this though, Jesus has been with me and our baby is with Him, the best place for our baby to be. Seeing and knowing that has been the jump start to my healing. He was there from the start. He is faithful. He is good. I don’t know what the future holds but I trust that He knows. He knows how our family will come to be. I trust Him. I am thankful that I experienced this loss. It has changed my heart and given me empathy for all the women who have experienced it too. It has shown me that letting go of control is freeing. And lastly, I have learned that I am more capable now than I have ever been!
My biggest fear happened and I survived it. I made it through to the other side. That amazes me. Although, what happened cannot be erased, I am still walking this out and with each day more healing will come. I am so grateful for those 13 precious weeks and that our first baby has paved such a beautiful path for our future children.
A Letter to Our Little One
So many women, men and families experience this loss, myself being one of them. It is a pain I will never forget. When I miscarried back in April I wrote this letter to our baby and it brought me much comfort and eased my pain in such a unique way. My baby was really with me and that acknowledgement brought me healing. To those of you who have had or are in the middle of this experience, you are not alone. There is hope and there are so many treasures in-store for you. They were there for me and they still there for you. Jesus is with you and He has your sweet baby.
Today 4.20.20 we found out you weren’t there. Anger, disbelief and confusion have filled my mind and heart. Seeing the tears run down your father’s face is something I won’t ever forget. Hearing the cries of your grandparents, aunts and uncles, the people who love you the most, has shown me that I am not alone in this. I hold onto the truth that God is faithful and He is with us and for us. I am hopeful and looking forward to the day I meet you sweet baby. Thank you for coming when you did and choosing Ryan and me to be your parents in this short time. We were so excited to meet you and hold you but for now that time will be awaited and that is okay because you are with Jesus and Jesus is with you. There is no better place that I’d rather you be in. I miss you, even though I haven’t seen your face or held your little body. I miss your being with me even it was for a few days or weeks. Your momma loves you so much, more than words can express. I am not angry at you or disappointed in you. I couldn’t be more proud of you. Thank you, thank you for coming to us. I know you are safe and happy and with your Heavenly Father, like really with Him, in His arms, seeing His face. Without any glimmer of doubt, you are with Him. Gosh, that is so special and miraculous that I almost can’t even imagine it! But yet I do and I can because He is so good to let me see it too; so much comfort and peace! I could go on and on forever sweet baby! I love you and can’t wait to see you some day soon. Give Jesus a big kiss for me and have Him give you one from me too.
My experience with pregnancy after miscarriage has gone like this…
It felt like “the problem” was fixed and grief should be over but the truth is, it wasn’t that simple. It wasn’t true for me. Yes, joy and excitement of welcoming new life were and still are very present, but along with those feelings came fear, worry and sadness. It was such a delicate place to be. Sadness came because I wanted that first pregnancy and baby so badly and I felt like I wasn’t allowed to still be sad because I got pregnant again. Worry because of all the “what ifs”, constantly checking the toilet to make sure there was no trace of loss after every time I would go to the bathroom. Fear because “How would I be able to do it again?”.
As these feelings started to consume me, I sought Jesus and brought it all to Him, the only place I knew to go. I didn’t want to feel these awful feelings for long but I wanted to recognize them as being very valid. As I soaked in His healing for my heart, I repented for believing the lies and partnering with control. I received the truths that He had for me and the biggest truth He gave me was TRUST. At times, trusting is a difficult thing to do yet it was the most freeing! I could let go of all the heaviness and know that Jesus had me, my baby, my family, my body and this experience.
I was also reminded that I wasn’t the same girl going into this pregnancy as I was going into my first. I hadn’t endured, learned and confronted so much pain before going into my first pregnancy. Yes, I lost so much but I also gained a lot. A new level of trusting Jesus was discovered and I got a new, beautiful opportunity that I am extremely thankful for.
Because of This Experience
I’m a better me: a better wife, a better mom, sister, friend and daughter because of my experience and that better me moves me forward in a way that couldn’t have happened before. Although my first baby and I won’t be able to experience each other in this way, my second baby and I will. My second baby will get a better mom because of my first. Do I feel sad from time to time? Yes! My first baby would’ve been here and things would look much different. I am grateful for the way things look now and I have learned a way of embracing this place where it doesn’t have to look the way I expected it to.
I may not have had the answers as to why things happened the way they did right when they did…
…but as the days have gone on, the answers that my heart has needed have slowly displayed themselves in such a beautiful way. It’s all happened in Jesus’ perfect timing! As often as it’s spoken and as cliche as that saying has become, it’s so full of truth. No words can explain the comfort, peace and thankfulness I have being in this place where I am able to trust and feel joy but ALSO to embrace the pain and grief I have or have had.
Love & Blessings,
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